Most of us go into courtship with various needs; the emotional, physical and social needs in our lives. Some of us have experienced hurts and pains in the past and so it is just ‘natural’ to seek someone who would help us fill the ‘gap’ in our lives.  For us women, it’s been established that a higher percentage of us have low self esteem and so it is natural that we seek love and acceptance. When we go into relationship with this mindset, most times we get disappointed as our ‘needs’ are not met.

Building the right foundation for our relationship therefore is a worthwhile task and making a conscious effort is very important, so we can have a lifelong fulfilling relationship. In this edition let’s look at some useful guiding principles to a successful courtship.

Get a life

Most of us singles today have probably had a relationship in the past and you may wonder what went wrong.  How come it did not work out? You probably wish it did.

Well, if you look back at that time, you will find out you probably did not have a life of your own. Most of us allow our lives to revolve around the person we are dating. Our partner’s mood dictates our mood; his/her agenda affect ours.

Our entire life and self-worth is wrapped up in someone else. We put out our career, interests, friends and even our relationship with God on hold. Some “Unlifers” have come to the conclusion that life is worth nothing without having a partner who would fill that emotional vacuum.

Some wrong reasons to marry:

  • Negative self image – Don’t marry because you want to feel good.
  • To solve spouse’s problem – you cannot play the role of God in any man’s life – so do not try to marry for this reason.
  • Fear of old age
  • To cure loneliness: you can be alone and yet not lonely
  • Fear of domination, i.e. fear of parents. Some people get married as an escape route from domination from parents. This is a wrong reason
  • Because of pressure/premarital sex- let your motive be love, real love.
  • Physical attraction – let it not be your main reason. Physical looks do change


The foundation of getting a life is having a sound identity and sense of self, to have a healthy self-image and self esteem. Recognize your self-worth and value.

You can achieve this easily by investing quality time in the word of God. It is the only manual of life that has correct and accurate information about you. It will enhance your self confidence and add value to your life. Embrace the fact that you are created in the image of God.

  • Invest time to develop yourself
  • Build your character and relationship with people around you
  • Invest time in Kingdom matters
  • Discover who you are: Many of us have not fully discovered who we are, what are our likes and dislikes, areas of strengths and weaknesses. When you are able to discover yourself, then you will know the kind of partner that would complement you. Marriage is about complementing one another in various areas of life. Discover your gifts and talents.

Enjoy where you are: Invest time to enjoy yourself, create time for recreation. Take yourself out, go out with friends and build your social life. Do not wait till the man arrives, if you are used to doing this, by the time the man arrives it would not be a big deal any longer. He will appreciate the fact that you have been treating yourself nicely.


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